an open letter to people who matter

I have been going through a lot these past few months. I have been preoccupied with a lot of negative thoughts and emotions: unlikely self-doubt, stubborn regrets, recurring insecurities, iniquitous indecision, uncertainty of my own future, and the likes. I haven’t been myself, and I have decided, against my own good reason, not to bother anyone about it. I am painfully aware that everyone has a lot on their plates already, and I cannot afford to add to that. My frustrations settle, deep in the night of my day, like they’re there to stay permanently. Like a chronic illness with no cure. No alleviation. Nothing to make any of it better. Sometimes, I lie in bed, crying silent tears because of my own foolish decisions. I haven’t been this lonely, not ever. I said I would sleep, but I can’t. So here I am, writing. Because this is the only way I can puff some steam without actually bothering anyone.

To my best friend, thank you for still choosing to stay in my life despite everything. Thank you for still understanding me and my shortcomings and still believing in me, that I could be better. I know you have your own troubles, and I am sorry that I have been lying to you about me being fine all the time. Thank you for still looking after me. Thank you for still being the friend you have been to me since before.  I am sorry if I haven’t been checking on you lately, if I haven’t been telling you what has been going on with me these past few days. I cannot find the words to describe the loneliness, the frustrations, the disappointments, the fear. Don’t worry about me. You know I will be okay, I will always be okay. Focus on your own growth, as I will with mine. Regardless, I am happy that we get to keep the friendship alive.

To my Stranded Women, thank you for being there for me despite the physical distance that separates the three of us. You both have made me a better person. Thank you for listening to all my venting and all my irrational and uncalled for rants. Thank you for putting up with me, with my selfish behaviour, with my random spikes of idiocy and ignorance. Words cannot express how grateful I am for having worked with you both and spending time with you. I would trade all my books just to work with you again, even just for a week (and you both know how much I love my books).

To my brothers Teddy, Alex, and Gabby, thank you for being there for me as well. Despite how far we are from one another, the three of you keep tabs on me. Talk to me about your days, and for that, I am flattered that I come to mind when something happens to you. I look forward to spending more time with you in the future. I hope nothing changes. I hope we get to keep this open. I hope we get to keep this alive, whatever we have here going. Whatever this is that ties us together.

To the people I have worked and still work with, I am grateful that you guys tolerate me, my childish behaviours, my impulsive actions, my reckless words. I apologize where I fell short. And I promise to be better, both for the team and for myself. I promise that whatever I am going through will not affect the quality of my work.

To my family, I know I have been a horrible son, brother, uncle, cousin, nephew, grandson to everyone. I am the ghost in this family. No one knows where I am, what I do, how I am, what I think, what I am going through. Most of you only know my name, and that’s because I have decided to keep that way. I know you are all better off without me. I am still here when you need me. Please just don’t expect me to be there, physically at least, for social gatherings and such. I am too timid for that. I am to estranged from this family for that. I promise I am still the little kid everyone knew, just a bit more quiet than usual, a bit more estranged, a bit more problematic. A bit more than everyone in this family bargained for.

To myself from two years ago, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. I betrayed you. When we started this journey September of 2015, we promised we are doing this so we would be better people. We travelled, we met a lot of people, we did a lot of things—crazy and surreal. And that changed us, for better or for worse. We promised that we won’t get attached to anyone or anywhere, and I failed you. I did all the things we said we wouldn’t do. We set out on this journey to be stronger, to be bolder, and I became vulnerable, scared. I am so sorry that I wasn’t able to hold my end of the bargain. I invested a lot of emotions to places and people, and it terrifies me. I am scared of getting hurt and hurting them. I am scared that one day, I will wake up and see myself far too different from what we were. From what we wanted us to be. I promise I will set this path straight, even when it means keeping my heart locked in a chest and burying somewhere. Even when it means I am going to be alone. Because being alone isn’t always a bad thing.