I found you in the most unlikely way, but really it was you who found me.
I was miserable before we met; I was a mess. I had no direction, I had no purpose in life, and I had no idea what I wanted. When you came, I was hesitant, not because I wasn’t sure about you, but because I didn’t want to burden you with everything that I have had with me—my past pain, my insecurities, my condition. But you showed me love, compassion, meaning. You helped me with my journey toward wellness. You gave me healing. You made me feel loved, important, special, valued. I couldn’t have asked for more.
To be honest, you were the best thing that happened to me in 2018 and 2019. You gave me back the life I always wanted to have—happy, carefree, genuine. You brought me back to a home that never was. You supported me in all I do; you empowered me. You have awoken the romantic poet that has long been in slumber. You made me write again, and above all else, you made me live the love stories I wrote for other people.
I never doubted your love, your intentions, you. I always felt blessed to have finally found someone who understood me, my condition, and my current living set-up. You made me better. And for all that I was grateful. You were the missing piece I have been looking for. In return, I tried to be the same for you.
I was never restrictive: I never grumbled whenever you needed to be with your high school and college friends. I never aired disappointment whenever you cancelled plans because of sudden theater meetings. I never whined when I wasn’t the priority for that day. I did all I could to be the best partner for you. And I was proud of that. What I didn’t know was you wanted more.
I thought you sleeping beside me in the day was quality time. I didn’t know you wanted to spend time with me outside my room. You never told me. You never aired your true feelings even when I asked you to. It was something I could have given you because I always believed that love is a compromise. We could have met halfway. I was willing to give whatever it takes to make us happier. Whatever it takes. But instead, you found comfort in someone else. And that broke me. And what ruined me most was the fact we ended things on our anniversary, on Christmas eve.
Everything I thought I was—we were—was shattered. It made me question my self-worth, my place in your life, my place on earth. I tried giving it another chance and I was willing to give it one more, but you couldn’t choose me. You couldn’t, for the love of whatever we had, decide to stay. You said you’ll choose yourself—you needed time to reassess your priorities. You wanted to better for me, on your own. I said that’s something we can do together, but you weren’t up for it. And I respected that. You said you’ll still be there for me. Always. And yes, you are still there for me. But this time, not in the way that I want to. You knew from the very start I didn’t want you as a friend. I wanted you to be more than that. But you walked away from what we could have been, what we should have been, by choosing yourself. And this time, I am choosing myself too.
When I gave you my heart, I gave you the right to hurt me while trusting you not to. But joke’s on me because I was the one who hurt myself. This time, I am no longer giving anyone the power to make me hurt myself. I will be my own anchor and realize my place on Earth despite what people feel and think about me.
I am giving you the time and peace you need for yourself. To sort out your priorities. To get back on your feet. To be better for the next one. And I am also taking this time to heal. To regain the self-worth I lost. To be stronger for myself. Take my love wherever you may go because you have taught me a great deal of lessons, which I am forever grateful, and I have started my adventure toward accepting the fact that our love story ends here. Maybe one day we will meet again when we are slightly older and our minds less hectic. By then, you’ll be right for me and I will be enough for you. But for now, I am just chaos to your thoughts, and you are poison to my heart.
Ah well, it’s heartbreak warfare. “If you want more love, why don’t you say so?”