maybe . . . one more?

how do you do it? how do you easily move forward from everything we’ve been through? you’ve moved on so swiftly that a year with me seemed nothing but days of frivolities. i want to know how you do it, how make it seem so easy. i’m uncertain if this is what i see, but maybe one more of many things with you can help me.

maybe one more phone call with you can help me. maybe the sound of your voice will quench the dying will flame of my oh so stubborn heart that yearns the warmth of your presence. maybe one more coffee date with you will help me see things clearly from a different perspective, maybe the caffeine will awaken the sense in me.

maybe one more movie date with you will heal me, so i can just see you engrossed and focused on the non-reality of it all. to see you happy while someone else has your attention. maybe one more MKX game with you will help me see how easy it is for you to beat me, that no matter my efforts to win you over, all is for naught. that no matter what i do, you’ll always have a counterattack—an excuse, a lie of some sort—to cover up your indiscretion.

maybe one more night with you will help me realize how your love has grown cold. how your once warm embrace is now a freezing bite of the reality that our love has been put out by the same gust of wind that blew it up. maybe one more kiss from you will make me taste the bittersweet reality that your kisses are now bane to my heart. that they may have once been the balm to ease my broken spirit, and they are the self-same poison that shattered my love—my love for you, for the world, for light and life themselves.

maybe one more “i love you” from you will help me see my worth. the same self-worth that you helped rebuild and break over time. maybe those words will help me find the meaning of life again amidst these debris of confusion and utter chaos, all that’s left from the relationship we had that once towered over everything else. maybe those words will guide me out of the present darkness that i am in. maybe those words will help me choose the path where they’re not there.

maybe one more heartbreak from you will help me believe you that i deserve someone better. that someone better is out there waiting for me. maybe one more heartbreak from you will make me see the truth among your lies—that you cannot be better for me because you do not want to.

maybe . . . just maybe . . . one more mistake will satisfy my nihilistic heart longing for you time, attention, and love. maybe . . . just maybe . . . one more stupid decision will help me see the reality of it all and help me move on.

but maybe . . . just maybe . . . i am wiser now because i am happy not knowing.